Metal predator

Party time

Mario Bros GTA style

How to murder a vagina

Amanda Bynes tweet is really interesting because her life is now similar to VHS slasher movies.

The murder of her vagina is a come get me call for all psychopaths, and at this moment she is worried about all the strange men accumulating in her garden.

What is next? Hit and run my breasts?

Here's some suggestions for you Amanda as you sit in your bed quaking with fear, suggestions that is for tweets that you will send before you totally get yourself murderised bitch.

Hacksaw my anus

Wound my axe wound with your axe

Drill kill my Deep Throat

Snuff my slime snatch

Power Ball Poem for the unlucky winner

The Power ball win
The winner is under heat
People need their cash

They hammer the door
The power ball rolls along
It's weight is crushing

Like the scene when Jones
Runs from the giant boulder
The power ball rolls

Now there is nowhere
Accountants and criminals
The pressure too much

The winner explodes
The public fueled this death
Via a stealth tax

Susan Rummfit is fit

This antiques toad show babe looked freaking hot on TV today. I had to immediately google her trunk - what a collectible MILF!

I would collect her and she would give me Lovejoy.

How much?

10,000 to appear in Lusty Hoarder 3: Absolute Treasure.

MCR needed to go

Turns out MCR have broken up.

Bands breaking up is part o the developmental program for teenagers.

A band breaking up is like the breakup of a relationship between two people were are too young to know any better.

This is good news because although many fans of this band will be morning, and many may start slashing their wrists and posting pictures on Twitter, the breakup of this band will help them emotionally developed, and thus they will be ready to join the army I'm creating.

This army will invade North Korea

Kids Choice Awards to adults

Just watched some footage of the KCA awards.

Really liked the yellow and pink colour scheme they employed, custard and a pink colour combined to create a youth product.

What would have been really cool is if they had a paparazzi award, in which it a stupid gong is given to a journalist or photographer who has successfully annoyed a teenager -- who happens to also be an international superstar.

I think these awards ceremonies should have the audience submerged in a huge tank of gelatinous goo, just like in the TV game shows the children watched in the late 90s.

I think that these award shows for children could be employed on other award shows for children who are slightly older, like the Oscars which is an incredibly boring show full of annoying brats.

Cyprus is a dead dog

Cyprus is in a mess at the moment because the currency consists of money appropriate through criminal activities. As soon as 'the Europe' has problems, the criminals, like ticks or fleas on a dog that has just died, quickly jump ship.

Meanwhile the European community panics about this distressing turn of events in an already rambunctious cascade of catastrophic Euro cock outs, and frets about how it's all the German's fault.

As usual the criminals get away with it and the rest of Europe, or rather the 'tax payer' picks up the bill.

The Goonies (remake?)

I thoroughly enjoyed this film for the mousetrap style opening sequence with its intricate and over the top mechanisms as devised by the youngsters.

SLOTH was vaguely distressing, the way his ears twitched, always sent a chill up my spine.

Perhaps the Goonies advocated respect for people with disabilities because this mentally and physically deformed character shows the greatest heroism in the movie.

Could a remake of this film ever be made? I feel that today's youth are too attached to the cyber/digital sphere, whereas the Goonies is firmly rooted in an organic, physical form of child adventure.

In a way the Goonies is a retarded, perverted version of Pirates of the Caribbean, with its tones of treasure, Pirates, and nefarious but inadequate villains.

The truffle shuffle could do with being mixed up with gang man style or the Harlem shuffle, sorry the Harlem Shake.

If the modern Goonies were to exist it would have hipsters, who are at odds but ultimately learn to deal and work in tandem with the Internet geeks/nerds. It is for this reason that I believe meme culture is most closely associated to the spirit of the Goonies.

Sloth - played by the classic actor Nosferatu

Freddy Kruger Beauty Therapy Course

Freddy Kruger Beauty Therapy Course now recognized by the Association Of Finger Nail Therapists

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/customer-media/permalink/mo2MAVX7A7IILFV/184480139X

The Battle For Helmand

I have no clue what the war in Afghanistan is about or where it is. There is no historical or cinematic reference point, nor a cultural link to facilitate comprehension of the geographical backdrop to the humanitarian drama.

This book shows you awesome guns, explosions and soliders, but many of them were killed and its a sad ghost book.


Like Rambo in First Blood they will, or have, or will not, return home,. They probably have a difficult time coping with post war. You can see it before it happens on their faces as they crouch in dusty trenches and behind stone walls.

This book brings war into focus and helped me understand what the fuck was going on out there.

Adventure Motorcycling

Adventure cyclists look like Spartans from Halo, and soon you will be a Master Chief on two wheels with this superb book by Robert Wicks.

The hardback feature stunning photographs of mountains, waterfalls and thoroughly foreign places, as well as great action shots of Master Chief's on motorbikes.

The book goes into the details of your trip, advises you on which sat navs to use, how to organise your passport and belongings, clothes, mechanical considerations and sleeping arrangements. It has helpful, well laid out tips and superb routes across the continents. It features advice on different types of bikes for different types of terrain.

It must be such a rush to ride your bike to Kazakhstan, thinking as you pass the local children, that you look like one bad*ss Master Chief. Save the world, wear a helmet and padded leathers.

Simpson's Forensic Medicine

I thought I had seen at all but after a cursory browse through Simpson's forensic medicine I realised my mind was unprepared for extreme mental information. Richard Shepherd is a senior lecturer in forensic medicine and his book will blow your mind.

Inside are some of the most gruesome photos you could imagine, coupled with clear, informative science. Great book for any budding detectives or potential serial killers.

Shotgun wounds, medical malpractice, the effects of drugs, rigor mortis, suicide attempts, electricity, heat, cold, car crashes, sexual offenses, this is a pure death core coffeetable book that will either repulse your guests or stimulate incredibly morbid conversations. Highly recommended.


Buy it here:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0340764228/ref=aw_d_detail?pd=1

Badass LEGO Guns

People can produce components for guns using the first generation of 3-D printers, but if you can't afford one yet (current machines are equivalent to dot matrix printers, future models will be like current laser jets), get this book. And a box of LEGO, like the one you keep in the attic because one day you'll have kids of your own when you decide to grow up.

It hurts so much when you step on LEGO.

So let your enemies feel your pain as you fire brick bullets from an Uzi 9mm (cue Terminator impression), mini gun (cue Terminator 2 impression), and when you've up close finish with a Joker impression: 'Want to know how I got these scars?' and flick out a LEGO butterfly knife!

Buy the book here:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1593272847